A lawyer married a woman who had previously divorced ten husbands. On their
wedding night, she told her new husband, 'Please be gentle: I'm still a virgin.
'What?' said the puzzled groom. 'How can that be if you've been married ten times?'
'Well, Husband #1 was a Sales Representative: he kept telling me how great it was going to be.
Husband #2 was in Software Services: he was never really sure how it was supposed to function, but he said he'd look into it and get back to me.
Husband #3 was from Field Services: he said everything checked out diagnostically but he just couldn't get the system up.
Husband #4 was in Telemarketing: even though he knew he had the order, he didn't know when he would be able to deliver.
Husband #5 was an Engineer: he understood the basic process but wanted three years to research, implement, and design a new state-of-the-art method.
Husband #6 was from Finance and Administration: he thought he knew how, but he wasn't sure whether it was his job or not.
Husband #7 was in Marketing: although he had a nice product, he was never sure how to position it.
Husband #8 was a psychiatrist: all he ever did was talk about it.
Husband #9 was a gynecologist: all he did was look at it.
Husband#10 was a stamp collector: all he ever did was.... God! I miss him!!!
But now that I've married you, I'm really excited!'
Good,' said the lawyer, 'but, why?'
'Duh! You're a lawyer. This time I know I'm going to get screwed!'
A lawyer and two friends, a Rabbi and a Hindu holy man, had car trouble in the countryside and asked to spend the night with a farmer.
The farmer said 'There might be a problem: you see, I only have room for two to sleep, one of you must sleep in the barn. 'No problem', spoke the Rabbi, 'My people wandered in the desert for forty years, I am humble enough to sleep in the barn for an evening. 'With that he departed to the barn and the others bedded down for the night,
Moments later a knock was heard at the door: the farmer opened the door, there stood the Rabbi from the barn. 'What's wrong?', asked the farmer. He replied, 'I am grateful to you ,
but I can't sleep in the barn. There is a pig in the barn and my faith believes that is an unclean animal.'
His Hindu friend agrees to swap places with him. But a few minutes later the same scene reoccurs. There is a knock on the door,
'What's wrong, now?, the farmer asks. The Hindu holy man replies, 'I too am grateful for helping us out but there is a cow in the barn and in my country cows are considered sacred. I can't sleep on holy ground!'
Well, that leaves only the lawyer to make the change. He grumbled and complained, but went out to the barn.
Yep, you guessed it! Moments later there was another knock on the farmers door. Frustrated and tired, the farmer opens the door, and there stood the pig and the cow!
A grade school teacher was asking students what their parents did for a living. 'Tim, you be first, ' she said. 'What does your mother do all day?' Tim stood up and proudly said, 'She's a doctor.'
'That's wonderful. How about you, Amie?'
Amie shyly stood up, scuffed her feet and said, 'My father is a mailman.'
Thank you, Amie, ' said the teacher. 'What about your father, Billy?'
Billy proudly stood up and announced, 'My daddy plays piano in a house of prostitution.'
The teacher was aghast and promptly changed the subject to geography. Later that day she went to Billy's house and rang the bell. Billy's father answered the door. The teacher explained what his son had said and demanded an explanation. Billy's father said, 'I'm actually an attorney. How can I explain a thing like that to a seven-year-old?'
A women walks in to a lawyer's office seeking to divorce her husband.
The lawyer asks if she has grounds.
She says 'Oh, yes. We have a nice front yard and a beautifully landscaped back yard, too.'
Lawyer: 'No, no, that's not what I meant. Do you have a grudge?'
She 'Oh yes, a big one. Two cars fit in it easily.'
The lawyer is starting to get frustrated and says: 'Does your husband beat you up?'
She 'He sure does - he gets up before I do every morning and fixes breakfast.
Lawyer 'Why in the world do you want to divorce him?'
She 'I think we have a serious communication problem.'
What is the difference between a tick and a lawyer? A tick falls off of you when you die.
Why does the law society prohibit sex between lawyers and their clients?
To prevent clients from being billed twice for essentially the same service.
What can a goose do, a duck can't, and a lawyer should?
Stick his bill up his ass.
What do you have when 100 lawyers are buried up to their neck in sand?
Not enough sand.
What's the difference between a dead dog in the road and a dead lawyer in the road?
There are skid marks in front of the dog.
What is black and brown and looks good on a lawyer?
Why are lawyers like nuclear weapons?
If one side has one, the other side has to get one. Once launched, they cannot be recalled. When they land, they screw up everything forever.
What do lawyers and sperm have in common? One in 3,000,000 has a chance of becoming a human being.
Did you hear that the Post Office just recalled their latest stamps?
They had pictures of lawyers on them ... and people couldn't figure out which side to spit on.
Lawyer's creed A man is innocent until proven broke.
What do you call 20 lawyers skydiving from an airplane?
Santa Claus, the tooth fairy, an honest lawyer and an old drunk are walking down the street together when they simultaneously spot a hundred dollar bill. Who gets it?
The old drunk, of course: the other three are mythical creatures.
It was so cold last winter ... (How cold was it?) ... that I saw a lawyer with his hands in his own pockets.
A man walked into a lawyer's office and inquired about the lawyer's rates. '$50.00 for three questions', replied the lawyer. 'Isn't that awfully steep?' asked the man. 'Yes,' the lawyer replied, 'and what was your third question?'
You're trapped in a room with a tiger, a rattlesnake and a lawyer. You have a gun with two bullets. What should you do? Shoot the lawyer. Twice.
A Mexican bandit made a specialty of crossing the Rio Grande from time to time and robbing banks in Texas. Finally, a reward was offered for his capture, and an enterprising Texas ranger decided to track him down. After a lengthy search, he traced the bandit to his favourite cantina, snuck up behind him, put his trusty six-shooter to the bandit's head, and said, 'You're under arrest. Tell me where you hid the loot or I'll blow your brains out.' But the bandit didn't speak English, and the Ranger didn't speak Spanish. Fortunately, a bilingual lawyer was in the saloon and translated the Ranger's message. The terrified bandit blurted out, in Spanish, that the loot was buried under the oak tree in back of the cantina. 'What did he say?' asked the Ranger. The lawyer answered, 'He said 'Get lost, Gringo. You wouldn't dare shoot me.'
For years, the young attorney had been taking vacations at a country inn. The last time he'd finally managed an affair with the innkeeper's daughter. Looking forward to an exciting few days, he dragged his suitcase up the stairs of the inn, then stopped short. There sat his lover with an infant on her lap.
'Helen, why didn't you write when you learned you were pregnant?' he cried. 'I would have rushed up here, we could have gotten married, and the baby would have my name.'
'Well,' she said, 'when my folks found out about my condition, we sat up all night talking and talking, and decided it would be better to have a bastard in the family than a lawyer.'
A lawyer defending a man accused of burglary tried this creative defence:
'My client merely inserted his arm into the window and removed a few trifling articles His arm is not himself, and I fail to see how you can punish the whole individual for an offence committed by his limb.'
'Well put,' the judge replied 'Using your logic, I sentence the defendant's arm to one year's imprisonment He can accompany it or not, as he chooses.'
The defendant smiled With his lawyer's assistance he detached his artificial limb, laid it on the bench, and walked out.
Quote from the New York Times allegedly originating from a trial in California:
Lawyer:Before you signed the death certificate, had you taken the pulse? Pathologist:No.
Lawyer:Did you listen to the heart?
Lawyer: Did you check for breathing?
Lawyer: So, when you signed the death certificate you weren't sure he was dead, were you?
Pathologist:Well, let me put it this way. The man's brain was sitting in a jar on my desk. But I guess it's possible he could be out there practising law somewhere.
As Mr. Smith was on his death bed, he attempted to formulate a plan that would allow him to take at least some of his considerable wealth with him. He called for the three men he trusted most - his lawyer, his doctor, and his clergyman. He told them, 'I'm going to give you each $30,000 in cash before I die. At my funeral, I want you to place the money in my coffin so that I can try to take it with me.' All three agreed to do this and were given the money.
At the funeral, each approached the coffin in turn and placed an envelope inside. While riding in the limousine to the cemetery, the clergyman said 'I have to confess something to you fellows. Brother Smith was a good churchman all his life, and I know he would have wanted me to do this. The church needed a new baptistery very badly, and I took $10,000 of the money he gave me and bought one. I only put $20,000 in the coffin.'
The physician then said, 'Well, since we're confiding in one another, I might as well tell you that I didn't put the full $30,000 in the coffin either. Smith had a disease that could have been diagnosed sooner if I had this very new machine, but the machine cost $20,000 and I couldn't afford it then. I used $20,000 of the money to buy the machine so that I might be able to save another patient. I know that Smith would have wanted me to do that.'
The lawyer then said, 'I'm ashamed of both of you. When I put my envelope into that coffin, it held my personal check for the full $30,000.'
A woman went to her doctor for a complete physical before getting married for the third time.
The doctor said, 'I don't understand this. How can you be a virgin after having been married for 5 years.'
The woman said, 'It is simple. The first time I was married to a gynaecologist and all he ever wanted to do was to look at it. The second time, I was married to a psychiatrist and all he ever wanted to do was talk about it. But this time, I'm going to be married to a lawyer, so I'm guaranteed to be well and truly screwed for the rest of my life.'
A tourist wanders into a back-alley antique shop in San Francisco's Chinatown. Picking through the objects on display he discovers a detailed, life-sized bronze sculpture of a rat. The sculpture is so interesting and unique that he picks it up and asks the shop owner what it costs.
'Twelve dollars for the rat, sir,' says the shop owner, 'and a thousand dollars more for the story behind it.'
'You can keep the story, old man,' he replies, 'but I'll take the rat.'
The transaction complete, the tourist leaves the store with the bronze rat under his arm. As he crosses the street in front of the store, two live rats emerge from a sewer drain and fall into step behind him. Nervously looking over his shoulder, he begins to walk faster, but every time he passes another sewer drain, more rats come out and follow him. By the time he's walked two blocks, at least a hundred rats are at his heels, and people begin to point and shout. He walks even faster, and soon breaks into a trot as multitudes of rats swarm from sewers, basements, vacant lots, and abandoned cars. Rats by the thousands are at his heels, and as he sees the waterfront at the bottom of the hill, he panics and starts to run full tilt.
No matter how fast he runs, the rats keep up, squealing hideously, now not just thousands but millions, so that by the time he comes rushing up to the water's edge a trail of rats twelve city blocks long is behind him. Making a mighty leap, he jumps up onto a light post, grasping it with one arm while he hurls the bronze rat into San Francisco Bay with the other, as far as he can heave it. Pulling his legs up and clinging to the light post, he watches in amazement as the seething tide of rats surges over the breakwater into the sea, where they drown.
Shaken and mumbling, he makes his way back to the antique shop.
'Ah, so you've come back for the rest of the story,' says the owner.
'No,' says the tourist, 'I was wondering if you have a bronze lawyer.'
A doctor, a lawyer and an architect were arguing about which had the smartest dog. They decided to settle the issue by getting all the dogs together and seeing who's could perform the most impressive feat.
'OK Rover', order the architect and Rover trotted over to a table and in four minutes had constructed a complete scale model of St. Paul Cathedral out of toothpick. The architect slipped Rover a cookie and everyone agreed that it was a pretty impressive performance.
'Hit it Spot', commanded the doctor. Spot lost no time in performing an emergency caesarean on a cow. Three minutes later the proud mother of a healthy little heifer was all sewed up and doing fine. Not bad conceded the crown as the doctor passed a cookie off to Spot.
'Your turn Fella', says the lawyer. Over went Fella, screwed the other two dogs, took their cookies and went out to lunch.
This lawyer walked into a bar with a toad on his head and ordered a beer.
Bartender served him and asked 'what's that?'
'I don't know', said the toad, 'it started out as a wart on my ass.'
An elderly lady walked into a branch of the Chase Manhattan Bank building holding a large paper bag in her hand.
She told the young man at the window that she wished to take the $3 million she had in the bag and open an account with the bank.
She said that first, though, she would like to meet the President of Chase Manhattan Bank.
Due to the amount of money involved, the teller seemed to think that that was a reasonable request and after opening the paper bag and seeing bundles of $1,000 bills that amounted to right around $3 million, telephoned the President's secretary to obtain an appointment for the woman.
The woman was escorted upstairs and ushered into the president's office. Introductions were made and she stated that she liked to get to know the people she did business with on a more personal level.
The bank president then asked her how she came into such a large sum of money.
'Was it an inheritance?' he asked.
'No,' she answered.
'Was it from playing the stock market?' he inquired.
'No,' she replied.
He was quiet for a second, trying to think of where this elderly woman could possibly have come up with $3 million.
'I bet,' she stated.
'As in horses?' he asked.
'No,' she replied.
'I bet people.'
Seeing his confusion, she explained that she just bet on different things with people.
All of a sudden she said, 'I'll bet you $25,000 that by 10:00 o'clock tomorrow morning your balls will be square.'
The bank president figured she must be off her rocker and decided to take her on her bet.
He didn't know how he could lose.
For the rest of the day he was very careful.
He decided to stay home that evening and take no chances as there was $25,000 at stake.
When he got up in the morning and took his shower, he checked to make sure everything was okay.
There was no difference in his scrotal appearance.
He looked the same as he always had.
He went to work and waited for the woman to come in at 10:00 o'clock, humming as he went.
he knew this would be his lucky day -- how often did he get handed $25,000 for doing nothing?
At 10:00 o'clock sharp the woman was shown into his office.
With her was a man.
When the bank president asked what the other man was doing in the office, she informed the president that he was her lawyer and she always took him along when there was that much money involved.
'Well,' she asked, 'what about our bet?'
'I don't know how to tell you this,' he replied, 'but I'm the same as I've always been, only $25,000 richer!'
The lady seemed to accept this, but requested that she be able to see for herself.
The bank president thought this was a reasonable request considering the amount of money involved and dropped his trousers.
She instructed him to bend over and then she grabbed hold of him.
Sure enough, everything was fine.
His balls were not square.
The bank president then looked up and saw her lawyer, standing across the room banging his head against the wall.
'What's wrong with him?' he inquired.
'Oh, him,' she answered.
I bet him $100,000 that by 10:00 o'clock this morning I'd have the president of Chase Manhattan Bank by the balls.'
A truck driver used to amuse himself by running over lawyers he would see walking down the side of the road. Every time he would see a lawyer walking along the road, he would swerve to hit him and there would be a loud 'THUMP,' and then he would swerve back on the road.
One day as the truck driver was driving along he saw a priest hitch hiking. He thought he would do a good turn and pulled the truck over. He asked the priest, 'Where are you going, Father?'
'I'm going to the church 5 miles down the road,' replied the priest.
'No problem, Father! I'll give you a lift. Climb in the truck'. The happy priest climbed into the passenger seat and the truck driver continued down the road.
Suddenly the truck driver saw a lawyer walking down the road and instinctively swerved to hit him. But then he remembered there was a priest in the truck with him, so at the last minute he swerved back to the road narrowly missing the lawyer. However, even though he was certain he missed the lawyer, he still heard a loud 'THUD.'
Not understanding where the noise came from he glanced in his mirrors and when he didn't see anything, he turned to the priest and said, 'I'm sorry Father. I almost hit that lawyer.'
'That's okay,' replied the priest, 'I got him with the door!'
Six people were on a plane. A doctor, a lawyer a priest and 3 children.
The pilot comes on the radio and says the plane is going to crash, but there are only 3 parachutes.
The doctor yells out, ' Save the children'
The lawyer yells out 'FUCK THE CHILDREN!'
The priest yells out 'IS THERE TIME?'
An engineer dies and reports to the pearly gates. St. Peter checks his dossier and says, 'Ah, you're an engineer -- you're in the wrong place.' So the engineer reports to the gates of Hell and is let in.
Pretty soon, the engineer gets dissatisfied with the level of comfort in Hell and starts designing and building improvements. After awhile, they've got air conditioning and flush toilets and escalators, and the engineer is a pretty popular guy.
One day God calls Satan up on the telephone and says with a sneer, 'So, how's it going down there in Hell?'
Satan replies, 'Hey, things are going great! We've got air conditioning and flush toilets and escalators, and there's no telling what this engineer is going to come up with next.'
God replies, 'What?? You've got an engineer? That's a mistake -- he should never have gotten down there: send him up here.'
Satan says, 'No way. I like having an engineer on the staff, and I'm keeping him.'
God says, 'Send him back up here or I'll sue!'
Satan laughs uproariously and answers, 'Yeah, right. And just where are you going to find a lawyer up there?'
There once was a lawyer who was so fanatical about his golf game that he used to play every day. One morning he had played the first hole and was just about to tee off on the second, when he saw the most gorgeous woman he had ever seen putting on the first.
The lawyer waited until the woman had reached the second tee and asked if she would like to join him and they could finish the round together. To his surprise the woman agreed and they played the remaining holes. Not only was this woman beautiful, she was also a good golfer.
When they completed their round, the lawyer told the woman that, not only was he a lawyer, but he was also a cordon bleu chef and wine buff. He invited her back to his place for a meal and a few drinks. The woman accepted enthusiastically and off they went. Back at the house the lawyer cooked a magnificent meal. In fact it was more than just cooking it was a performance to behold. They enjoyed good food, good wine and good conversation.
After the meal, the woman repaid the lawyer with the best oral sex he had ever experienced. The lawyer was so taken by the beauty and skill of this woman and desired her no end. He then asked if she would like to play golf the following morning, to which she agreed. Once again they enjoyed a great game of golf, a magnificent evening meal and once more the woman performed sensational oral sex on the lawyer.
This went on for three weeks when the lawyer finally said to the woman, 'Listen, the golf and the company have been fantastic! But, there are only so many performances a man can take. When are we going to have sexual intercourse?'
'We can't,' said the woman. 'Why not?' came the reply. 'Because I'm a transvestite' replied the woman.
'YOU BITCH!' screamed the lawyer, '...I CAN'T BELIEVE that you've been playing from the LADIES TEE FOR THE LAST THREE WEEKS!'