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Doctors, Nurses and the Medical Profession

Students at a Medical School were receiving their first anatomy class with a real dead human body. They all gathered around the surgery table with the body covered with a white sheet.
Then the Professor started the class by telling them: 'In medicine, it is necessary to have two important qualities as a doctor. The first is that it is necessary that you don't get disgusted.'
The Professor uncovered the sheet, sunk his finger in the butt of the dead body, withdrew it, and then stuck his finger in his mouth and sucked it.
'Go ahead and do the same thing', he told his students.
The students freaked out, hesitated and subsequently taking turns, sunk their finger in the butt of the dead body and sucked it after withdrawing it.
When everyone finished, the Professor looked at them and told them: 'The second important quality is observation. I inserted the middle finger and sucked the index. Pay attention people.'

It was late at night and Heidi, who was expecting her second child was home alone with her 3-year old daughter Katelyn. When Heidi started going into labour, she called '911.'
Due to a power outage at the time, only one paramedic responded to the call. The house was very, very dark, so the paramedic asked Katelyn to hold a flashlight high over her mommy so he could see while he helped deliver the baby.
Very diligently, Katelyn did as she was asked. Heidi pushed and pushed, and after a little while Connor was born. The paramedic lifted him by his little feet and spanked him on his bottom. Connor began to cry. The paramedic then thanked Katelyn for her help and asked the wide-eyed 3-year old what she thought about what she had just witnessed.
Katelyn quickly responded, 'He shouldn't have crawled in there in the first place. Smack him again!'

This is a laugh for all those women out there who so look forward to that wonderful time once a year when they get to be 'intimate' with their OB/GYN doctor! In Sydney, Australia, one of the radio stations pays ($1000-$5000) for People to tell their most embarrassing stories. This one netted the winner $5000.
Early one morning I received a call from the doctor's office to tell me that I had been rescheduled for early that morning at 9:30 a.m. I had only just packed everyone off to work and school, and it was already around 8:45 a.m. The trip to his office took about 35 minutes, so I didn't have any time to spare. As most women do, I like to take little extra effort over hygiene when making such visits but this time I wasn't going to be able to make the full effort.
So I rushed upstairs, threw off my dressing gown, wet the washcloth that was sitting next to the sink, and gave myself a quick wash in 'that area' to make sure I was at least presentable, threw the washcloth in the clothes basket, donned some clothes, hopped in the car and raced to my appointment. I was in the waiting room only a few minutes when I was called in. Knowing the procedure, as I'm sure you do, I hopped up on the table, looked over at the other side of the room and pretended that I was in Paris or some other place a million miles away.
I was a little surprised when the doctor said, 'My, we have made an extra effort this morning, haven't we?' but I didn't respond. When the appointment was over, I heaved a sigh of relief and went home. The rest of the day was normal, some shopping, cleaning, cooking, etc.
After school when my six-year-old daughter was playing, she called out from the bathroom, Mum, where's my washcloth?'
I told her to get another one from the cupboard.
She replied, No, I need the one that was here by the sink. It had all my glitter and sparkles in it.'

A student of proctology is in the morgue one day after classes, wanting to get a little practice in before the final exams. He goes over to a table where a body is lying face down. He uncovers the sheet over the body, and to his surprise he finds a cork in the corpse's rectum.
Figuring that this is fairly unusual, he pulls the cork out, and to his surprise, music begins playing: 'On the road again...just can't wait to get on the road again...'
The student is amazed, and places the cork back in the backside. The music stops. Totally freaked out, the student calls the Medical Examiner over to the corpse.
'Look at this, this is really something,' the student tells the examiner as he pulls the cork back out again. 'On the road again...just can't wait to get on the road again...'
'So what?' the Medical Examiner replies, obviously unimpressed with the student's discovery.
'But isn't that the most amazing thing you've ever seen?' asked the student.
'Are you kidding?' replied the Examiner, 'Any asshole can sing country music!'

Yesterday, scientists for Health Australia suggested that men should take a look at their beer consumption, considering the results of a recent analysis that revealed the presence of female hormones in beer.
The theory is that drinking beer makes men turn into women.
To test the finding, 100 men were fed 6 pints of beer each.
It was then observed that 100% of the men gained weight, talked excessively without making sense, became overly emotional, couldn't drive, failed to think rationally, argued over nothing and refused to apologise when wrong.

No further testing is planned.

A married couple went to the hospital together to have their baby delivered. Upon their arrival, the doctor said he had invented a new machine that would transfer a portion of the mother's labour pain to the father. He asked if they were willing to try it out. They were both very much in favour of it.
The doctor set the knob to 10 percent for starters, explaining that even 10 percent was probably more pain than the father had ever experienced before. But as the labour progressed, the husband felt fine, so he asked the doctor to go ahead and bump it up a notch.
The doctor then adjusted the machine to 20 percent pain transfer. The husband was still feeling fine. The doctor checked the husband's blood pressure and pulse and was amazed at how well he was doing. At this, they decided to try for 50 percent.
The husband continued to feel quite well. Since it was obviously helping out is wife considerably, he encouraged the doctor to transfer ALL the pain to him. The wife delivered a healthy baby with virtually no pain. She and her husband were ecstatic.
When they got home, they found the mailman was dead on their porch.

An elderly couple -- she was 85, he was 90 -- decided that they would take advantage of modern science to conceive another child. They discussed with a fertility expert who said it was indeed possible. The doctor gave the couple a jar and asked them to return a semen sample the next day. The next day, the couple presented the doctor with an empty jar. The husband apologized, 'I tried my right hand...I tried my left hand...My wife tried her right hand ... My wife tried her left hand. She took her teeth out and used her mouth. We still couldn't get the ... ..lid off the jar.' :-)

An old county doctor went way out to the boondocks to deliver a baby. It was so far out that there was no electricity. When the doctor arrived, no one was home except for the labouring mother and her 5 year old child
The doctor instructed the child to hold a lantern high so he could see while he helped the woman deliver the baby. The child did so, the mother pushed, and after a little while, the doctor lifted the new born baby by the feet and spanked him on the bottom to get him to take his first breath.
'Hit him again,' the child said. 'He shouldn't have crawled up there in the first place!!'

A husband and wife are on a nudist beach when suddenly a wasp buzzes into the wife's business end. Naturally enough, she panics. The husband is also quite shaken but manages to put a coat on her, pull up his shorts and carries her to the car. Then he makes a mad dash to the doctor.
The doctor, after examining her, says that the wasp is too far in to remove with forceps so he says to the husband that he will have to try and entice it out by putting honey on his dick and withdrawing as soon as he feels the wasp.
And so the honey is smeared, but because of his wife's screaming and his frantic dash to the doctor and the general panic, he just can't rise to the occasion. So the doctor says he'll perform the deed if the husband and wife don't object. Naturally both agree for fear the wasp will do any damage, so the doctor quickly undresses, smears the honey on and instantly gets an erection, at which time he begins to plug the wife. Only he doesn't stop and withdraw but continues with vigour. The husband shouts, 'What the hell's happening?'
To which the doctor replies, 'Change of plan. I'm going to drown the bastard!'

A woman accompanied her husband to the doctor's office. After his check-up, the doctor called the wife into his office alone.
He said, 'Your husband is suffering from a very severe disease, combined with horrible stress. If you don't do the following, your husband will surely die.'
'Each morning, fix him a healthy breakfast. Be pleasant, and make sure he is in a good mood. For lunch make him a nutritious meal. For dinner prepare an especially nice meal for him. Don't burden him with chores, as he probably had a hard day. Don't discuss your problems with him, it will only make his stress worse.
And most importantly. make love with your husband several times a week and satisfy his every whim. If you can do this for the next 10 months to a year, I think your husband will regain his health completely'.
On the way home, the husband asked his wife.
'What did the doctor say?'
'You're going to die,' she replied.

A young woman visited her doctor complaining of a bed wetting problem. The doctors asked her the usual questions and then asked her to go behind the screen and remove her clothes. She was a bit shocked but went ahead anyway. When she was undressed he asked her to stand on her hands in front of and facing a full length mirror. The young woman was even more shocked but if I would help solve her problem she thought she had better do what the doctor said.
As soon as she was in position the doctor asked her to open her legs and when she did he put his head between them and rested his chin right on her private parts. After a few moments and some very positive 'yes, yes' type noises the doctor instructed her to get dressed again. After she had, the doctor sat her down and informed her that the main cause of her problem was just that she was drinking far too much liquid before going to bed.
'So what did the exercise in front of the mirror tell you'.
'Well', said the doctor, 'my wife is right, a beard would suit me'

There was a 98 year old man who moved into a nursing home. For his age, he was very fit and in real good shape. The doctor came in to give him his physical and the man said, ' how old do you think I am?'
The doctor checked his heart and lungs and had him do a few exercises and said, ' I would say you were around 78 . The old man smiled and the doctor was amazed that this man was indeed 98 years old.
The man was walking out of the doctors office and saw a little old lady sitting there. She was pretty grey and was all bent over. The man said to the lady, 'how old do you think I am? '

She looked him over pretty good then told him to pull down his pants. He did as he was told. Then she told him to pull his underwear down also. He obeyed. She reached over and fondled his various parts and counterparts. She kept this up for quite sometime. She appeared to be in deep concentration. She finally looked up at the man and said, I'd say you were 98.

The man was stunned! He said, how could you tell ?'

She said , ' I heard you tell the doctor.'

A beautiful, voluptuous woman goes to a gynaecologist. The doctor takes one look at this woman and all his professionalism goes out the window. Right away he tells her to undress. After she has disrobed he begins to stroke her thigh. As he does this he says to the woman, 'Do you know what I'm doing?'
'Yes,' she says, 'you're checking for any abrasions or dermatological abnormalities.' 'That is correct,' says the doctor. He then begins to fondle her breasts. 'Do you know what I'm doing now?' he says.
'Yes,' says the woman, 'you're checking for any lumps or breast cancer.'
'That's right,' replies the doctor. He then begins to have sexual intercourse with the woman. He says to her, 'Do you know what I'm doing now?'
'Yes,' she says. 'You're getting herpes.'

There was a married couple who were in a terrible accident. The woman's face was burned severely. The doctor told the husband they couldn't graft any skin from her body because she was so skinny.
The husband then donated some of his skin...however, the only place suitable to the doctor was from his buttocks.
The husband requested that no one be told of this, because after all this was a very delicate matter!
After the surgery was completed, everyone was astounded at the woman's new beauty. She looked more beautiful than she ever did before! All her friends and relatives just ranted and raved at her youthful beauty!
She was alone with her husband one day &: she wanted to thank him for what he did. She said, 'Dear, I just want to thank you for everything you did for me! There is no way I could ever repay you!!!
He replied, 'Oh don't worry, Honey, I get plenty thanks enough every time your mother comes over and kisses you on your cheek!!

A man named who had a 50 inch long penis goes to his doctor to complain that he is unable to get any women to have sex with him. They all tell him that his penis is too long.
'Doctor,' he asked, in total frustration, 'is there any way you can shorten it?'
The doctor replied, 'Medically son, there is nothing I can do. But, I do know this witch who may be able to help you.' So the doctor gives him directions to the witch.
The man calls upon the witch and relates his story. 'Witch, my penis is 50 inches long and I can't get any women to have sex with me. Can you help me shorten it?'
The witch asked him to 'Pull it out and let me look at it.'
The man uncoils his 50 inch penis. The witch stares in amazement, scratches her head, and then replies, 'I think I have a solution to your problem. What you have to do is go to this pond deep in the forest. In the pond you will see a frog sitting on a log who can help solve your dilemma. First you must ask the frog to marry you? Each time the frog declines your proposal, your penis will be ten inches shorter.'
The man's face lit up and he dashed off into the forest. He came upon the pond and sure enough, there sat this frog on a log. He called out to the frog, 'Will you marry me?'
The frog looked at him dejectedly and replied, 'NO'.
The man looked down and suddenly his penis was 10 inches shorter. 'WOW,' he screamed out loud, 'This is great!!' But it's still too long at 40 inches, so I'll ask the frog to marry me again. 'Frog, will you marry me?,' the guy shouted.
The frog rolled its eyes back in its head and screamed back, 'NO!'
The man felt another twitch in his penis, looked down, and it was another 10 inches shorter. The man laughed, 'This is fantastic.' He looked down at his penis again, 30 inches long, and reflected for a moment. Thirty inches is still a monster, just a little less would be ideal. So, I'll ask the frog to marry me one more time. Grinning, he looked across the pond and yelled out, 'Frog will you marry me?'
The frog looked back across pond shaking its head, 'NO..........NO..........and for the last time..........NO!'

This guy goes to his doctor to discuss a problem. He says 'Doc, I have this problem with my sex life'.

The Doc says 'What's the problem'. The guy goes 'Well, in the morning when I get up, I have sex with my wife, go eat my breakfast and then have sex again. On my way to work, I stop off at my mistress's place and have sex with her, then when I'm at work I have sex with my secretary during the morning coffee break. At lunch I have sex with her twice, then again at afternoon tea. Sometime before I go I have sex with someone else at work, then I go home and have sex all evening with my wife.'
The doctor, stunned, says 'What's the problem?!' to which the guy replies 'Well, it hurts when I wank!'

As she lay there dozing next to him, one voice inside his head kept saying, 'Relax...: you are NOT the first doctor to sleep with one of your patients.
But, another voice kept reminding him, 'Rob, you are a Veterinarian!'

Michael Jackson and his wife are in the recovery room with their new baby son. The doctor walks in and Michael asks 'Doctor, how long before we can have sex?' The doctor replies, 'I'd wait until he's at least 14.'

A man goes to his doctor and complains that his penis is developing a bend in the middle. So the doctor ran a series of tests, and had the man return to his office to report the results.
'Have you been in the Far East recently, within the last year or so?'
'Why, yes,' replied the man.
'And did you have sex while over there?'
The man looked worried. 'Well, yes, once or twice.'
The doctor's face got a grave expression on it. 'That's what I was afraid of. You have a new disease that's just starting to spread in this country. It's called 'Hong Kong Dong.'
The man gulped. 'What do you do for it? Is there a cure?'
'Well, sort of. You see, there is no way to cure the disease, but you must have an operation.'
'An operation? What kind of operation?'
'We cut off your penis.'
'Wow! Do you mind if I get a second opinion?'
The doctor replied, 'Of course not. In something of such a serious nature as this, I think you should get a second and a third opinion!'
The man consulted a urologist who told him essentially the same story, diagnosis, prognosis, and recommended treatment. He was understandably upset, so he asked the second doctor to recommend another doctor for his third opinion. The urologist suggested that, since this disease originated in the Far East that he travel there, as the Asian doctors might know more about it.
Mr. Unlucky promptly booked passage on an airline for Hong Kong, where he received an immediate consultation with that Crown Colony's most eminent physician.
After a series of tests, he awaited the verdict. The doctor entered the examining room.
'Well, is it Hong Kong Dong?' he inquired, unable to wait.
'And is it really incurable?'
'Yes, there is no known cure.'
The man's face crumpled as he fought back tears. 'And am I going to have an operation? Will they have to cut off my penis?'
At that the man was astonished to see the doctor break into laughter. 'What's so funny, Doc? You mean I don't have to have surgery?'
As the doctor regained control of himself, he managed to choke out, 'Oh, those American doctors! Cut, clamp, sew! Surgery, surgery, all they can think of is surgery!'
'I don't have to have my penis cut off?' The man was overjoyed.
'Of course not! Just wait a couple more weeks, and it'll fall off by itself!'

A husband and wife noticed that their little boy's penis was a little too small so they took him to the doctor. They expressed their concerns to the doctor. The doctor said to feed the little boy lots of toast.
The next morning, the wife gets up really early and makes a huge stack of toast. When the little boy comes down to breakfast, the mother says, 'Take the top two slices. The rest are for your father.'

A 70 year old man went to see his doctor and was pronounced to be in excellent health. The man looked troubled so the doctor asked him what was wrong.

The man replied: 'You know doc, when I was 16 and got an erection, I could grasp it with both hands and try as I might, I couldn't bend it. When I was 21, I could grasp it with both hands and bend it just a little after trying real hard. When I was 30, I could bend it with moderate exertion using both hands. At 40, I could bend it with both hands using minimal exertion. At 50, I could bend it with 1 hand after trying real hard. At 60, I could bend it with 1 hand and moderate exertion. And now, I can bend it with 1 hand and minimal exertion.
So my question is doc, how strong am I going to get?'

A guy cut a gash in his leg and went to the hospital emergency room. The doctor told the nurse to prepare a pain killer.
'Don't bother Doc,' the guy said. 'I've been through a lot worse.'
'More painful than this?' the doctor asked.
'Yes' said the Guy 'I'll tell you about the SECOND most painful accident I ever had. I was hunting one day and had to take a dump, so I dropped my pants and squatted. I tripped a bear trap and--CLANG!--the thing slammed shut on my balls.'
'Ouch! That must have really hurt. But tell me, If that was the 'second' worst what was the first?'
'When I ran off and reached the end of the chain!!!'

A pregnant woman walks into a bank, and lines up at the first available teller. Just at that moment the bank gets robbed and she is shot three times in the stomach. She gets rushed to the hospital where she gets fixed up. As she leaves she asks the doctor about her baby.

The doctor says 'You're going to have triplets. They're fine but each one has a bullet lodged in its stomach. Don't worry though the bullets will pass through their system through normal metabolism.'
As time goes on the woman has three children. Two girls and a boy.
Twelve years later, one of the girls comes up to her mother and says 'Mummy, I've done a very weird thing!'.
Her mother asks her what happened and her daughter replies 'I passed a bullet into the toilet'.
The woman comforts her and explains all about the incident at the bank.
A few weeks later, her other daughter comes up to her with tears streaming from her eyes. 'Mummy, I've done a very bad thing!'.
The mother says 'Let me guess. You passed a bullet into the toilet, right?'.
The daughter looks up from her teary eyes and says 'Yes. How did you know?'.
The mother comforts her child and explains about the incident at the bank.
A month later the boy comes up and says 'Mummy, I've done a very bad thing!'.
'You passed a bullet into the toilet, right?'
'No, I was masturbating and I shot the dog'

A doctor had the reputation of helping couples increase the joy in their sex life, but always promised not to take a case if he felt he could not help them.
The Browns came to see the doctor, and he gave them thorough physical exams, psychological exams, and various tests and then concluded, 'Yes, I am happy to say that I believe I can help you. 'On your way home from my office stop at the grocery store and buy some grapes and some doughnuts. Go home, take off your clothes, and you, sir, roll the grapes across the floor until you make a bulls eye in your wife's love canal. Then on hands and knees you must crawl to her like a leopard and retrieve the grape using only your tongue. Then next, ma'am, you must take the doughnuts and from across the room, toss them at your husband until you make a ringer around his love pole. Then like a lioness, you must crawl to him and consume the doughnut.' The couple went home and their sex life became more and more wonderful.
They told their friends, Mr. &: Mrs. Green that they should see the good doctor. The doctor greeted the Greens and said he would not take the case unless he felt that he could help them: so he conducted the physical exams and the same battery of tests. Then he told the Greens the bad news. 'I cannot help you, so I will not take your money. I believe your sex life is as good as it will ever be. I cannot help.'
The Greens pleaded with him, and said, 'You helped our friends the Browns, now please, please help us.'
'Well, all right', the doctor said. 'On your way home from the office, stop at the grocery store and buy some apples and a box of cheezles...'

A middle-aged businessman took a young woman half his age as his wife. The fantasy of having a young woman in his bed soon became a nightmare when he found that he could not last long enough to satisfy his young bride.
His wife, as understanding as she was exciting, told him that all was well even if he was quick to get out of the saddle.
Determined to satisfy this sweet young thing, the man visited the doctor to get some advice.
'Doctor, I can't seem to hold back for very long when I make love to my young wife and I can't satisfy her. What can I do?'
The doctor smiled, patted him on the shoulder, and said in a professional manner, 'Try a bit of self-stimulation before having intercourse with your wife and you'll find that you'll last longer and ultimately satisfy her.'
'Okay, Doctor. If you think that will help.'
Later that afternoon, his young bride called him at work to let him know that she would be attacking him at the front door when he arrived home.
'Be prepared, my darling. I'm going to ravish you,' she cooed over the phone.
Undaunted, the man decided to follow the doctor's advice. But where? In the office? The Xerox room? What if someone walked in on him?
He got in his truck and began the journey home. Soon he decided he would find a spot on the road to pull over, climb underneath the truck and pretend to be inspecting the rear axle, and do the deed there.
A moment later, he pulled over, crawled beneath the truck, closed his eyes tightly, fantasized about his young wife, and began his 'therapy'.
A few minutes later, just as he was about to complete his therapy session, he felt someone tugging on his pants leg. Keeping his eyes tightly shut to avoid ruining the fantasy he was enjoying, he said, 'Yes?'
'Sir, I'm with the Police Department. Could you tell me what you are doing, please?' said the officer.
'Yes, officer, I'm inspecting my truck's rear axle,' he replied confidently.
'Well, why don't you check the brakes while you're down there. Your truck rolled down the hill a few minutes ago.'

There's a student in medical school who wants to specialise in sexual disorders, so he makes arrangements to visit the sexual disorder clinic.
The chief doctor is showing him around, discussing cases and the facility, when the student sees a patient masturbating right there in the hallway.
'What condition does he have?' the student asks.
'He suffers from Seminal Buildup Disorder,' the doctor replies. 'If he doesn't obtain sexual release forty to fifty times a day, he'll pass into a coma.'
The student takes some notes on that, and they continue down the hall. As they turn the corner, he sees another patient with his pants around his ankles, receiving oral sex from a beautiful nurse.
'What about him?' the student asks. 'What's his story?'
'Oh, it's the same condition,' the doctor replies. 'He just has a private health plan.'

After a few years of married life , this guy finds that he is unable to get it up anymore. He goes to his doctor, his doctor tries a few things but nothing works. Finally the doctor says to him 'this is all in your mind', and refers him to a psychiatrist.
After a few visits to the shrink, the shrink confess, ' I am at a loss as to how you could possibly be cured.' Finally the psychiatrist refers him to witch doctor.

The witch doctor tells , 'I can cure this', and throws some powder on a flame, and there is a flash with billowing blue smoke ........ The witch doctor says 'This is powerful healing but you can only use it once a year! All you have to do is say '123' and it shall rise for as long as you wish!'

The guy then asks the witch doctor 'What happens after when its over?'

The witch doctor says 'all you have to say is '1234' and it will go down.' 'But be warned it will not work again for a year!'
This guy goes home and that night he is ready to surprise his wife with the good news....... So, he is lying in bed with her and says '123', and suddenly he gets a hard-on .
His wife turns over and says 'What did you say '123' For?

A man goes to the Doctor and says 'Doctor I think my wife's been dead for two weeks'
'Dead for two weeks, how did you work that out ?'
'Well, the sex is the same but the washing is starting to build up!'

A dwarf went to the doctor to complain about his agonisingly sore crotch.
The doctor said, 'Walk over to door and back so that I can observe you.'
The dwarf did this and the doctor told him to hop up onto the examination table, also saying, 'This won't take long and it won't hurt either.' The doctor then proceeded to use his instruments, including scalpel, in the dwarf's nether regions. Following lots of snipping and cutting sounds the procedure was completed and the doctor said, 'Now walk over to the door again and tell me how that feels.'
The dwarf did this and he said, 'Doctor, that feels great, but what on earth did you do to relieve my pain?'
The doctor replied, 'I just cut four centimetres off the top of each of your gum boots!'

A Man goes to doctor after feeling unwell and undergoes tests.. The results and outlook don't not good.
Doctor 'I'm afraid you have GASH'.
Man shocked 'GASH !'.
Doctor 'Yes , Ghoneria, Aids, Syphilis and Herpes all rolled into one.'.
Man still shocked 'What are you going to do ?'
Doctor 'Well , we're going to confine you to a room by yourself and feed you Rye-Vita and Cheese'
Man 'Rye-Vita and Cheese ?!'.
Doctor 'It's the only thing that will fit under the door'.

As the doctor completed an examination of the man he commented 'I can't find out the cause of your complaint. Frankly I think it's due to a case of drinking.'
'OK,' replied the man. 'I'll come back when your sober.'

A man went to the doctor complaining about some pain. 'Doctor, every morning I get this pain which originates here on my testicle and goes all the way up to my head and then comes down on the other side of my body. It happens every day.'
The doctor was puzzled and after several tests he couldn't figure out the reason of the problem and at the end his recommendation was that the only solution was to get rid of the testis. The man of course was horrified and decided to see another doctor, but the same happened and the only conclusion of the second doctor was to cut off the man's jewels, but he still didn't want to accept it so, he went to see a few more doctors but all of them ended up giving the same diagnosis.
The man was devastated but the pain was becoming unbearable so finally he decided to go for the operation. Of course, when he came out of the hospital the pain had finally disappeared but he was feeling miserable. 'What am I going to do now?. There is no fun any more'. So he decided to go in a spending spree with all his savings and bought everything he could including a few tailor-made suits.
So, the tailor was measuring his body dimensions and asked him. 'Excuse me sir, this is for the trousers. On which side do you usually place your penis and balls?.'
'Why do you ask that?. What importance does it have?'
'Oh, it's just that if you don't put them on the proper side, you get this pain which starts on your testicle and goes all the way up...'

Jeff, a friend of mine, had a touch of the flu and took some time off work. Things got so bad that he had to check himself into casualty, but it wasn't his throat that was worrying him. As Jeff explained to the doctor on duty what was concerning him was the fact that his penis had turned completely bright orange !.
'That's a little unusual' commented the attentive young doctor. 'Have you taken any vitamins or tablets that you haven't tried before ?.
'No ' replied Jeff nervously.
'Well, I think I'd better take a look at you' . offered the doctor. 'Just pop behind this private screen and drop your pants will you ?'.
Somewhat embarrassed, but eager to cure this peculiar ailment Jeff followed the doctor's instruction and showed his penis to the kneeling doctor.
To the doctors surprise, Jeff's member was as he explained - bright orange from base to tip and almost enveloping the right testicle.
'Goodness me. I've never seen anything like this' pondered the baffled doctor.
'Have you come in contact with any unusual plant life at work recently ?, enquired the doctor.
'No doc, ' replied Jeff. 'I've been off work sick. All I've been doing is sitting at home all alone, watching pornographic movies and eating Twisties !'.

This woman has a problem with silent farting. As you can imagine, it is a very embarrassing problem. After some time, she decides to go to the doctor.
The doctor says, 'What seems to be the problem?'
She says, 'Well, it's really embarrassing: I am having silent gas. I hope you haven't noticed, but, I've passed gas 3 times since I've been in this office with you. Is there ANYTHING you can do?'
So, the doctor says, 'Yes, there are a few things we can do. But the first thing we're going to do is get you fitted for a hearing aid.'

A businessman was in Japan to make a presentation to the Toyota motor people. Needless to say, this was an especially important deal, and it was imperative that he make the best possible impression.
On the morning of the presentation he awoke to find himself passing gas, in large volumes, with the unpleasant characteristic of sounding like 'HONDA.' The man was besides himself. Every few minutes 'HONDA', 'HONDA'.
Unable to stop this aberrant behaviour, and in desperate need to terminate these odious and rather embarrassing emissions, he sought a doctor's aid. After a full examination, the doctor told him that there was nothing inherently wrong with him and that he would just have to wait it out.
Being unwilling to accept this state of affairs he visited a second and then a third doctor all of whom told him the same thing. Finally one medic suggested that he visit a dentist. Well although he could not see how a dentist was going to be of any help, he visited one anyway.
Lo and behold, the dentist said, 'Ah, there's the problem'.
'What is it?' the man asked.
'Why you have an abscess,' said the dentist.
'An abscess. How could that be causing my problem?' asked the man.
'That's easy,' replied the dentist. 'Why everyone knows. Abscess makes the fart go Honda.'

There once was a poor lad named Timmy who had the misfortune of being born with only a head - no arms, no legs, nothing but a head.
Now Timmy was a basically happy person and he was loved and cared for by his family. As long as he stayed within the shelter of his family he was unworried by his condition, but as soon as he was thrust out into the world he knew that something was seriously wrong.
He began to dream about being a whole person with arms and legs and a body. He thought of nothing else. It became an obsession.
Then one day, Timmy heard of the famous Dr. Helen Von Rigginbottom, a physician who had been experimenting with cloning and tissue regeneration.
Timmy grew so excited he could hardly contain himself. He had himself rushed to the doctor and made an appointment. When the doctor met with Timmy all of his hopes and dreams came true. The doctor assured Timmy that she could help him and would make him into a whole person, but she warned him that it could be a dramatic change and he should consider all of the ramifications.
She began to list some of the many problems he might have, but he would not listen. She consented and gave Timmy the injection that would start the process.
Timmy went home and tossed and turned on his pillow all night. Eventually, he fell asleep. The next morning when he awoke Timmy was surprised to discover that he was a whole person. He had arms and legs and a body. He was so excited and grateful that he just had to thank the doctor, so he ran out of the house, across the street and was hit by a truck and killed.
And of course the moral of our story is: While you're a head, stay ahead.

Shapely lady goes to the doctor.
Lady ' I have this problem with my breasts that when I rub them this small black man comes out shaking his hands and blowing a raspberry' She takes her blouse and bra off and rubs her breasts and sure enough a little black man comes out and shakes his hands and blows a raspberry.
The doctor is baffled by this and suggests she comes back tomorrow to see his partner who is a specialist. The next day the lady comes back and see the specialist. She takes of her blouse and bra and rubs her breasts and sure enough the little black man comes out again. Doctor what is the matter?
Don't worry its just your 'silly-coon' implants playing up.

An elderly man and his wife go to the doctor so he can get a check up. The doctor examined him thoroughly in the presence of his wife.
'You're in perfect health!' said the doctor, 'What do you contribute this to?'
'It is the help of God.' says the old man, 'Even when I wake in the night to go to the bathroom, God turns the light on for me so I will not stumble, and when I leave, He turns it off.'
'That is totally amazing!' says the doctor.
'No it isn't!' says his wife. 'He pees in the refrigerator!'

This woman goes to the doctors covered in cuts and bruises.
'Christ' said the doctor 'what happened?'
'Well' she said 'There was a knock at the door and when I answered it a huge grasshopper beat the shit out of me!
'Ah yes' said the doctor 'there's a nasty bug going round!'

A fellow visits a prostitute, and whilst haggling on the subject of price he informs her that he has a rather unusual kink. Specifically, he can only successfully reach an orgasm if he screws a girl with the big toe of his left foot.
The prostitute thinks this is odd of course, but shrugs it off. 'You pays your money, you takes your choice' is her motto, and the transaction takes place.
Some weeks later, the man notices that his big toe is swollen and painful, so he goes to his doctor who examines the affliction and declares his surprise.
'What the problem?' Asks the fellow.
'Well, it's unusual,' replies the sawbones. 'You appear to have a syphilitic toe.'
'Is it curable?' Asks the patient, nervously.
'Oh yes,' says the doctor. 'That's no problem. It's just that a syphilitic toe is unusual. However, how about this for a medical curiosity. A few days ago, I had a woman in here with athlete's cunt.'

A man went to the doctor with a sore elbow. The doctor told him to piss into a bottle and he then inserted two electrodes into the bottle and connected it to his new computer.
After a few minutes the computer printed out 'Tennis elbow'.
The man thought 'What a load of crap this is'.
He went home and got his wife to piss into a bottle, added a bit of acid from his car battery and then wanked himself and added the results to the bottle. He shook the bottle vigorously and went back to the same doctor, requesting another computer test, as he didn't think the first diagnosis was correct.
The doctor plugged in the apparatus and away it went.
It took a little longer this time, but eventually it printed out: 'Your wife is five weeks pregnant, you have tertiary syphilis, your battery is nearly flat and if you don't stop wanking yourself, your tennis elbow will never get better'.

A patient lost one of his testicles. To make up for it, his plastic surgeon replaced it with a cocktail onion. When he came back for a checkup the doctor asked him if he had experienced any problems.
'Not really,' said the guy. 'Except that when I scratch my nuts, my eyes' water'.

Nurse to patient. 'I'm sorry, you've got thee minutes left to live'.
Patient to Nurse. 'Oh no, that terrible. Is there anything you can do for me ?'
Nurse to Patient. 'Not much unless you want me to boil you an egg'.

'Doctor, can you please come around and have a look at my wife. She was so ill this morning that I had to carry her downstairs to make my breakfast'.

'I see you've been circumcised' said the doctor. 'Nah', says the guy, 'Just wear and tear'.

Lady at the hospital having a baby.
'Push !', the doctor says, ' I can see the head '.
Just then the baby pulls open the flaps and sticks it's face out and says 'Are you me daddy ?'.
Stunned, the doctors says, ' NO mate, I'm not your dad, I'm the doctor'.
With that the baby snaps shut the flaps. The doctor tries to get it open again but can't. He asks the nurse to try. Again the baby pulls open the flaps, 'Are you me daddy?'.
'Shit ', says the nurse ' No kid, I'm the nurse !'.
And again the baby pulls closed the flaps. Try as they must, they could not get the baby to open again.
The doctor say's, 'well, we will have to get the dad in here then'.
The father arrives and taps the flaps.
Instantly the baby's face appears and it says, 'Are you me daddy ?'.
'Yes, I'm your dad'.
Out pops the baby and starts banging dad on the forehead with its fists, stating 'FUCKING HURTS DON'T IT'.

This lady walks into her Doctors office one day and says to him 'Doc, I've got this problem. Whenever I sneeze, I orgasm'.
So the Doctor says to her 'That's amazing. What are you taking for it ?'
And she replies 'Pepper'.

An Irishman walked into his favourite pub one day with both his ears bandaged.
'What happened to you ?' says one of his mates.
'I was ironing when the bloody phone rang' says the Irishman.
'Yeah', says he mate, 'But why both ears ?'
'Well, I had to call the doctor didn't I'

Fed up with having children, Mrs Murphy visited the local doctor for advice.
'Well,' the doctor said. ' have you tried the 2 gallon bucket method?'
'No indeed,' said Mrs Murphy. 'Sure, and I've never heard of it.'
'It's simple, and religiously sound,' said the doctor. 'When you go to bed, you stick both feet in a 2 gallon bucket.'
A few months later, Mrs Murphy was back at the doctor's, pregnant again.
'Didn't you use the bucket method?' he asked her.
'To be sure I did, and all,' Mrs Murphy insisted. 'Mind you, I couldn't find a 2 gallon bucket, but every night I used two 1 gallon buckets.'

This guy with a lisp wanders into a doctors' surgery one day and says 'Lithen doc, can you fix up my horrible lithp ?'
The doctor says 'Strip down and lets take a look'.
SO the guy undresses and the doctor looks him over and says 'Yeah, I can fix you lisp but we have to cut 4 inches off your dick'.
'Oh, OK' says the guy and the doctor whops off the necessary 4 inches.
'That's sensational', say the guy, 'You've solved my lisping problem', and he goes off home to tell his wife.
She's pretty happy for him, but with those missing 4 inches, the sex just isn't the same so they both decide that he should go back to the doctor and see if he can get the 4 inches sewn back on.
So he goes back to the doctor and says 'Listen doc, I'm really grateful for what you've done, but the wife isn't happy and I'd like the 4 inches sewn back on'.
And the doctor turn to him and says 'No, I'm thorry, thath not pothible'.

This guy and his wife go down to the doctors one day after his wife had had a checkup.
The doctor says 'Well, after extensive tests, we can determine that your wife either has Alzheimer's or AIDS'.
'What !!' says the bloke 'can't you narrow it down any more than that ?'
'Not with the tests available,' says the doctor 'but I tell you what. If you really want to know what she has, take her out about 20 miles into the bush and let her go.'
'What good is that ?' says the bloke.
'Well,' says the doctor 'if she makes her way back home, don't screw her'.

This bloke goes into his doctor for his yearly checkup, so the doctor checks him over and says 'I've got some bad new and I've got some terrible news.'
'OK,' says the bloke 'what's the bad news?'
'Well the bad new is that you've got an incurable liver disease,' says the doctor.
'And the terrible news ?' says the bloke.
'You've also got Alzheimer's,' says the doctor.
'Thank God,' says the bloke 'for a minute there I thought you were going to tell me I have an incurable liver disease.'

There is this woman and she goes to see her doctor with these dirty great big scratches down her back..
The Doctor looks at her and says 'How did you get scratches like these ?'
And the woman replies 'Having sex doggy style'.
The Doctor treats her scratches and says to her 'You know, you should try having sex in the missionary position'.
And the woman says 'Are you kidding, have you ever smelt an Alsatians breath'.

Three very respected Doctors were out playing a round of golf one afternoon. One was saying how his son was doing real well in his practice as an attorney. 'I am so proud of him' the 1st Doctor says. 'He is making a lot of money, why just the other day he went out and bought a boat and liked it so much he bought another and gave it to one of his friends.'
The second doctor smiled and said 'Oh that is great, My son's making a lot of money too as an Architect, why he just built him a nice big house. He liked it so much he built another one and gave it to one of his friends.'
The third doctor was just getting ready to tee up his ball and turned to them and said 'You two are real lucky to have such fine sons. My son is gay. He is real bum, can't keep a job and doesn't have any money, in fact the only thing he's got are a new house and a new boat that some friend's have given him.'

This guy gets his penis shot off in Vietnam. One day at home he is reading the TV. guide and sees an ad for a doctor that says he can fix this.
When he gets to the doctor, he asks, 'What do you use.'
The doctor says, 'Baby elephant trunks.'
So the guy decides to have the surgery. About six months go by and the guy finally gets the nerve up to ask a lady out to dinner.
As they are eating dinner, this thing comes out from under the table, grabs a biscuit, and darts back underneath the table.
The girl sees this and thinks to herself, 'If that happens again, I'm going to have to say something.
A few minutes later, this thing comes out from under the table and grabs another biscuit.
The lady says, 'Buddy, I don't know what that is, but, if it happens again, I'm going to get mad'.
The guy says, 'Your going to get mad. Hell, if that thing stuffs another biscuit up my ass, I'm REALLY going to get mad'.

This truck driver sits down in a diner and orders dinner. When the waitress brings his plate, he notices that she has got her thumb in his mashed potatoes.
He says, 'Hey, you've got your thumb in my mashed potatoes.' The waitress replies, 'The doctor said I have arthritis and I should keep my thumb warm.'
The truck driver says, 'Well you dumb bitch, why don't you stick your thumb up your arse'.
She says, 'I do when I'm in the kitchen.'

There is a little baby boy and his mother is grieving about his lack of eyelids.
'Don't worry' says the Doctor, 'when we circumcise him we can use some of his foreskin to give him eyelids'.
The mother says 'But he'll be cock-eyed'.
And the Doctor says 'Yeah. But think of the foresight he will have'.

This bloke goes to the doctor and says 'Doc. I think I have got some type of disease. All around the bottom of my dick there is this red ring'.
'OK' says the doctor, 'Show me'.
So the bloke drops his pants and shows the doctor his dick.
The doctor looks him over gives him a jar of ointment and says 'Here, take this home, rub it in and come back tomorrow'.
The guy does this and lo and behold the ring disappears. He comes back into the doctors the next day and says 'Hey doc, that was terrific. Was that some new miracle cure?'
And the doctor says 'No. It was lipstick remover'.

This bloke goes to the doctor and says 'Doc. I think my body is wearing out. When I touch my head it hurts, when I touch my shoulder it hurts, when I touch my stomach it hurts, when I touch my leg it hurts, when I touch my foot it hurts. What could be wrong?'
The doctor looks at him and says 'You've got a broken finger'.

A seventy-five year old guy, his hair is completely white, marries a twenty-two year old girl, and she gets pregnant.
Nine months later, he walks into the Maternity Ward. He says to the nurse, 'Well, how'd I do?'
The nurse says, 'She had twins.'
He says, 'Heh, heh, heh...well, I guess that goes to show, that even if there's snow on the roof, there can still be fire in the furnace.'
She says, 'Well, then you'd better change filters. Both of the babies are black.'

A man's wife has a baby. He gets a call from the hospital that he should come down right away. He meets the head nurse.
She says: 'I'm sorry, but your baby was born deformed.'
The guy goes: 'Oh my God, where is it?'
The nurse leads him to the maternity ward.
'In there,' she says.
The guy looks in the window and at first sees a baby with no arms. 'Is that my baby?' he asks the nurse.
'No,' she says, 'yours is further down.'
He walks a little further and sees a baby with no legs.
'Is that my baby, he asks.
'No, yours is further down,' the nurse replies.
Finally he gets to the end and sees a bassinette containing nothing but a very large ear. 'Oh my God, is that my baby?' he asks.
The nurse nods sadly. 'Yes, I'm afraid it is,' she replies.
The guy starts freaking out. 'My God, its just a big ear, What can be worse than this?
The nurse replies: 'It's deaf.'

A man on a plane needed to go to the 'GENTS', but every time he went, there was someone else using it. After a while, the Flight Attendant noticed his predicament and suggested he use the 'LADIES', but not to touch the buttons mounted on the wall. He went in, took his seat and looking around the cubicle, he saw buttons marked thus :-
After a while his curiosity got the better of him, so he pressed W W and warm water washed his bottom. This was a marvellous idea so he pressed W A and warm air gushed out and dried his bottom. Not to be out done, he decided to press P P and out came a powder puff and powered his bottom. He thought the ladies really had it made for them so he pressed A T R and promptly passed out.
Waking up later in hospital, he asked the nurse what happened and she said - 'You pressed the A T R button, which means Automatic Tampon Remover. Your penis is under your pillow and your balls are in the bucket under the bed.'

There was this old bloke who had to go into an old people's home and he'd been trying them out but none of them suited him.
Anyhow his son found one that he thought would be just right and told his dad to have another try. So the old bloke went to the home, unpacked his overnight case and lay down on the bed. The next thing he gets a huge erection, he gets all excited and calls the nurse. She says to him I know just the thing and climbs on top of it and goes for it.
When she's finished the old bloke then rushes down the hall to the pay phone and rings his son. 'Son, son hurry up and pack my bags, this place is great. I want to stay'.
On his way back to his room he falls over. An orderly is coming around the corner, sees the old guys bum in the air, immediately drops his strides and starts pumping away.
When he's finished, the old guy gets up and runs back to the phone. 'Son, son keep my bags I'm not staying here for another minute, come and get me'.
His son tells him to simmer down and asks 'What's wrong ?'
The old fellow says 'Well I only get 2 erections a year, but I fall over at least 4 times a day!!!'

There is this builder and while working on the building site he drops a hammer on his thumb smashing it. His workmates decide to take him down to hospital to get it seen to.
When the guy gets to hospital, he is shown into a cubicle and told to take off all of his clothes.
'Why ?' says the guy 'It's only my thumb that needs looking at.'
'Hospital regulations' says the nurse.
'But, but.' says the guy.
'Hospital regulations' reiterates the nurse.
'But.' whimpers the guy
'Hospital regulations' says the nurse as she leaves the room.
'Bloody stupid regulations' says the guy as he starts to get undressed.
Just then he hears a voice from the next cubicle.
'You think that's stupid, I only came in to fix the phone'.

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