A couple was golfing one day on a very exclusive golf course, lined with million dollar houses. On the third tee the husband said, 'Honey, be very careful when you drive the ball, don't knock out any windows. It'll cost us a fortune to fix.'
The wife teed up and shanked it right through the window of the biggest house on the course.
The husband cringed and said, 'I told you to watch out for the houses! All right, let's go up there, apologize, and see how much this is going to cost.'
They walked up, knocked on the door, and heard a voice say, 'Come on in.'
They opened the door and saw glass all over the floor and a broken bottle lying on its side in the foyer. A man on the couch said, 'Are you the people that broke my window?'
'Uh, yeah. Sorry about that,' the husband replied. 'No, actually I want to thank you. I'm a genie that was trapped for a thousand years in that bottle. You've released me. I'm allowed to grant three wishes. I'll give you each one wish, and I'll keep the last one for myself.'
'OK, great!' the husband said. 'I want a million dollars a year for the rest of my life.'
'No problem, it's the least I could do. And you, what do you want?' the genie said, looking at the wife.
'I want a house in every country of the world,' she said.
'Consider it done,' the genie replied.
'And what's your wish, genie?', the husband said.
'Well, since I've been trapped in that bottle, I haven't had sex with a woman in a thousand years. My wish is to sleep with your wife.'
The husband looks at the wife and said, 'Well, we did get a lot of money and all those houses, honey. I guess I don't care.'
The genie took the wife upstairs and ravished her for two hours. After it was over, the genie rolled over, looked at the wife, and said, 'How old is your husband, anyway?'
'Thirty-five,' she replied.
'And he still believes in genies? That's amazing...'
Once there was a man who had always dreamed of playing golf at a prestigious country club, but he could never get in. But one day, one of his rich friends invited him to play a round with him at the club. 'Finally!' he thought. 'This will be the best day of my life!'
The day came, but his alarm clock malfunctioned, and he woke up late. No time for a shower or a cup of coffee -- he had to throw on his clothes, jump in the car and go.
Since he was in such a hurry, he was driving above the speed limit. As luck would have it, a lonely highway patrolman pulled him over and gave him a ticket. He tried to talk his way out of it, but the trooper would have none of that. 'That's OK,' he thought, 'I can still make my tee time, and it will still be the best day of my life.'
He screeched into the parking lot at the club, jumped out of the car, went to the trunk to pull out his... golf clubs!!! He had left them at home in the garage! ARRGH! He sprinted to the pro shop to try to get some rentals. Got the last set. 'And by the way, your party left word that you were to meet them on the first tee...'
No time to hit the driving range or putting green for a warm up. He hopped into a cart and headed straight for the first tee. When he got there, the starter informed him that his group had just teed off, and that he might be able to catch up with them on the second tee.
He did, but by now his mind was not on his golf game. His whole body was in such a hurry up mode. He was playing with rented clubs, and he never even got a chance to hit one practice ball. As you might expect, he played the worst round of golf he had ever played.
He finally made it through the last hole, turned in his clubs, got in his car and headed home. About halfway home, he had a blow out flat. He got out to fix it, and it started to rain. He pulled the spare out, but it was flat, too. So he started his long walk home in the rain.
He looked up to the heavens and thought 'Lord, this was supposed to be the best day of my life, but everything imaginable has gone wrong, and it has actually turned out to be one of the worst. What am I doing wrong?'
At that point the rain stopped, the skies cleared, and a booming voice said:
'You're not doing anything wrong. I just don't like you.'
A couple was on their honeymoon, laying in bed, about ready to consummate their marriage, when the new bride says to the husband, 'I have a confession to make-- I'm not a virgin.'
The husband replies, 'That's no big thing in this day and age.'
The wife continues, 'Yeah, I've been with one other guy.'
'Oh yeah? Who was the guy?'
'Tiger Woods the golfer?'
'Well he's rich, famous and handsome. I can see why you went to bed with him.'
The husband and wife then make passionate love. When they get done, the husband gets up and walks to the telephone.
'What are you doing?' says the wife. The husband says, 'I'm hungry. I was going to call room service and get some food.'
'Tiger wouldn't do that. '
'Oh yeah? What would Tiger do?'
'He'd come back to bed and do it a second time.'
The husband puts down the phone and goes back to bed to make love with his wife a second time. When they finish, he gets up and goes over to the phone.
'What are you doing?' She says. The husband says, 'I'm still hungry so I was going to get room service to get some food.'
'Tiger wouldn't do that.'
'Oh yeah? What would Tiger do?'
He'd come back to bed and do it one more time.'
The guy slams down the phone and goes back to bed and makes love to his wife one more time. When they finish he's tired and beat. He drags himself over to the phone and starts to dial.
The wife asks, 'Are you calling room service?'
'No! I'm calling Tiger Woods to find out what's par for this hole!'
A husband and wife love to play golf together, but neither of them are playing like they want to, so they decide to take private lessons. The husband has his lesson first.
After the pro sees his swing, he says,
'No, no, no,' you're gripping the club way too hard!'
'Well, what should I do?' asks the man.
'Hold the club gently,' the pro replied, 'just like you'd hold your wife's breast.'
The man takes the advice, takes a swing, and POW! He hits the ball 250 yds straight up the fairway.
The man goes back to his wife with the good news, and the wife can't wait for her lesson.
The next day the wife goes for her lesson. The pro watches her swing and says, 'No, no, no, you're gripping the club way too hard.'
'What can I do?' asks the wife.
'Hold the club gently, just like you'd hold your husband's penis.' The wife listens carefully to the pro's advice, takes a swing, and THUMP.
The ball goes straight down the fairway . . . about 15 ft.
'That was great,' the pro says.
'Now, take the club out of your mouth and swing the club like you're supposed to!'
Frank constantly irritated his friends with his external optimism. No matter how horrible the circumstance, he would remark, 'It could have been worse.'
To cure him of this annoying habit, his friends decided to invent a situation so bad, so terrible, that even Frank could find no hope in it. On the golf course one day, a friend said, 'Frank, did you hear about Tim ? He came home last night, found his wife in bed with another man, shot them both, then turned the gun on himself.'
'That's horrible,' Frank said. 'But it could have been worse.'
How could it possibly be any worse?' the friend asked.
'Well,' Frank answered, 'if it had happened the night before, I'd be dead.'
There once was a lawyer who was so fanatical about his golf game that he used to play every day. One morning he had played the first hole and was just about to tee off on the second, when he saw the most gorgeous woman he had ever seen putting on the first.
The lawyer waited until the woman had reached the second tee and asked if she would like to join him and they could finish the round together. To his surprise the woman agreed and they played the remaining holes. Not only was this woman beautiful, she was also a good golfer.
When they completed their round, the lawyer told the woman that, not only was he a lawyer, but he was also a cordon bleu chef and wine buff. He invited her back to his place for a meal and a few drinks. The woman accepted enthusiastically and off they went. Back at the house the lawyer cooked a magnificent meal. In fact it was more than just cooking it was a performance to behold. They enjoyed good food, good wine and good conversation.
After the meal, the woman repaid the lawyer with the best oral sex he had ever experienced. The lawyer was so taken by the beauty and skill of this woman and desired her no end. He then asked if she would like to play golf the following morning, to which she agreed. Once again they enjoyed a great game of golf, a magnificent evening meal and once more the woman performed sensational oral sex on the lawyer.
This went on for three weeks when the lawyer finally said to the woman, 'Listen, the golf and the company have been fantastic! But, there are only so many performances a man can take. When are we going to have sexual intercourse?'
'We can't,' said the woman. 'Why not?' came the reply. 'Because I'm a transvestite' replied the woman.
'YOU BITCH!' screamed the lawyer, '...I CAN'T BELIEVE that you've been playing from the LADIES TEE FOR THE LAST THREE WEEKS!'
A man and his friend are playing golf one day at their local golf course.
One of the men is about to chip onto the green when he sees a long funeral procession on the road next to the golf course. He stops in mid-swing, takes off his golf cap, closes his eyes, and bows his head down in prayer.
His friend says, 'Wow, that is the most thoughtful and touching thing I have ever seen. You truly are a kind man.'
The man shrugs then replies, 'Yeah, well we were married for 35 years.'
A catholic, a Mormon and an Arab were playing golf and bragging about their family.
The catholic boasted that he had 4 kids, his wife was pregnant and soon he would have his own basketball team.
The Mormon replied: 'that's nothing, we have 10 kids. One more and I'll have a football team!!!
'You guys have no vision' declared the Arab. 'I have 17 wives, one more and I'll have my own golf course!!!!'
One day, this fellow was out playing golf. He was having a terrible game, as usual. On the 10th hole, he shanks his ball deep into the woods. He goes stumbling through the thick brush until he finds his ball and there sitting on a rock beside it is a goblin. The man says to the goblin 'Aha! Now that I found you you must grant me a wish'.
The little fellow says 'Ok, but I must warn you, there is always a price to pay even for a wish.'
The golfer says, 'That's Ok, my wish is to be a really great golfer'.
The goblin says, 'Fine, but it will ruin you sex life'. The golfer doesn't care and accepts the terms.
The golfer then continues on with his game and has a fantastic round. He enters a few local tournaments and wins. He becomes a high raked amateur and wins. About a year later he is play the same course again and suddenly, on the 10th hole he hooks his ball into the same woods. Sure enough, there is the same little fellow waiting beside his ball.
The goblin asks him,' Well, how are you enjoying your wish?'.
The golfer says, 'It has been really great, I'm having the time of my life!'.
Then the leprechaun asks, 'Aye, but how is your sex life?'.
The man says, ' Well, I've only had sex 2 or 3 times in the past year'.
The leprechaun smiles and says, 'See, I told you it would ruin your sex life'.
But the golfer says 'Gee, I don't know, 2 or 3 times is pretty good for a priest with a small parish like mine!'
A priest, a doctor, and an engineer were waiting one morning for a particularly slow group of golfers.
Engineer: What's with these guys? We must have been waiting for 15 minutes!
Doctor: I don't know but I've never seen such ineptitude!
Priest: Hey, here comes the greenkeeper. Let's have a word with him.
Priest: Hi greenkeeper, what's with that group ahead of us? They're rather slow aren't they?
Greenkeeper: Oh yes. That's a group of blind fire fighters. They lost their sight while saving our club house last year. So we let them play here anytime free of charge!
Priest: That's so sad. I think I will say a special prayer for them tonight.
Doctor: Good idea. And I'm going to contact my ophthalmologist buddy and see if there's anything he can do for them.
Engineer: Why can't these guys play at night?
Two friends were out playing golf one day , let's call them George and Pete. George has a mighty swipe at the ball and lo and behold scores a hole in one ... on the full.
When they reach the green , there , floating over the hole is a Genie , who says. 'George, for the hole in one on the full you get one wish'
George contemplates the situation for a nanosecond and replies, 'I want a monstrous member.'
'It's yours.' the Genie replies, then disappears.
As Pete and George continue to the next hole George's old fella commences to grow and grow, to the point where it's dragging along the ground....and still it grows.
George (with his vitals covered in grass stains, friction burns, gravel rash, and hungry ants) can't go on. 'You'll have to go back and hit another hole in one.' says Pete.
So back they go and as this is a story, George of course repeats his previous effort.
The Genie reappears and says, 'OK. Same deal, what's the wish'
George gazes down at the scarred and disfigured monstrosity slumped on the ground beneath him and replies 'Longer legs'
A golfer preparing his first shot commented to all his long suffering friends 'All it takes is one drive and one putt.' He wound up and after the swing the ball rested a few inches from the tee.
The caddie leaned over and handed the man his putter and whispered 'Now all it takes is one hell of a putt.'
A couple of women were playing golf one sunny Saturday morning. The first of the twosome teed-off, but then watched in horror as the ball headed directly toward a group of men playing the next hole. Indeed, the ball hit one of the men and he immediately clasped his hands together at his crotch, fell to the ground and proceeded to roll around in agony.
The woman rushed down to the man and immediately began to apologise. She then explained that she was a physical therapist and offered to help ease his pain. 'Please allow me to help, I'm a physical therapist and I know I could relieve your pain if you'd just allow me,' she told him earnestly. 'Ummph, oooh, nnooo, I'll be alright, I'll be fine in a few minutes,' he replied as he remained in the foetal position still clasping his hands together at his crotch.
The woman however took it upon herself to begin to ease his pain. She began to massage his groin. After a few moments she asked, 'Does that feel better?'
The man looked up at her and replied, 'Yes, that feels pretty good...but my thumb still hurts like hell.'
Two guys were playing golf, and they were annoyed because there were two women ahead of them playing very slowly. One of the guys decided to ask if they could play through. He walked over about halfway, they suddenly turned around very quickly and came back.
'That was close,' he said. 'One of those women is my wife, and the other one is my mistress! If they'd both recognised me, I'd have been in real trouble.'
'Don't worry,' the other guy said. 'I'll go ask if we can play through.'
He started over towards them, then he, too, suddenly turned back.
'Talk about your coincidences.'
This golfer teed off the first hole and sliced the ball into the rough. He walked down and found that the ball had landed in a patch of buttercups.
The golfer lined up his shot and just as he was about to hit the ball a fairy landed on his shoulder and said 'Please Mr Golfer don't hit the ball'.
'Piss off,' said the golfer .
The fairy tried again 'Mr Golfer please don't hit the ball these buttercups are a family and if you hit that ball you will kill some of them.'
This got to the golfer a bit so he said to the fairy 'OK, but what's in it for me.'
To which the fairy replied 'You will have free butter for the rest of your life.'
'Oh great ' said the golfer 'Where were you last week when I landed under the pussy willow.'
This guy and his wife were playing golf one day when she was struck by a golf ball and went down for the count. The guy picked her up and rushed off to hospital.
When he got there the doctor asked where she had been hit.
The guy replied that she had been hit between the first and second holes.
To which the doctor replied 'That doesn't leave much room for a bandage does it '.
A woman decides to do a bit of spring cleaning and decides to clean out her husband's drawers, as she going through the drawers she finds one drawer stacked with money and under the money she finds three golf balls, which she thinks is strange.
When hubby gets home she confronts him about the money but what she really couldn't understand was why he was collecting golf balls as he never played golf or even understood it.
'Well I'm sorry to say but I must confess that every time that I had an affair I would go out and buy a golf ball'
At this, the wife gets totally pissed off and storms out, but after a while she comes back in.
'I have decided to forgive you,' she says 'We've been married for twenty years and three affairs in twenty isn't bad. What I can't understand is where did all the money come from?
'Well,' says the husband ' When I got to twelve golf balls I would sell them!!!!
A man walked up to a priest in a confession booth and said, 'Father, I have sinned. I have taken the Lord's name in vain.'
'Ah, I see and how, pray tell, did this happen?'
'Well, I was out golfing yesterday afternoon, and it was the last hole of the game. I took a swing, and the ball just missed the fairway by five feet and went smack dab into the middle of a clump of bushes.'
'Ah.. Is that when you took the Lord's name in vain?'
'No, father. It turned out the ball was just in a good enough position to hit it onto the green. So I took a swing at it, and it was a great shot, but all of the sudden, a gust of wind came up and it looked as if it had landed in the water hazard.'
'Oh, I see. Is that when you took the Lord's name in vain?'
'No, father, there's more. You see, it turns out the ball landed just inches from the water, so I took another swing, and it landed on the green, but rolled off into the sand trap.'
'Ah, yes. Very interesting! Is this when you took the Lord's name in vain?'
'No, father. You see, I took a shot at the ball in the sand and it made a brilliant shot that landed just four inches from the hole.'
'Jesus Christ, don't tell me you missed a fucking four inch putt!!'
Moses, Jesus, and this other guy are playing a threesome in Heaven one day. They step up to a difficult par 3 with water in front of the green. Moses hits first, and dribbles one off the tee down toward the water. Just as it gets to the edge, the waters' part and the ball runs across and onto the green.
Jesus steps up and dubs one down toward the water's edge. Just at the last moment, his ball 'walks on water' and ends up on the green.
The last guys steps up and shanks' one down toward the water as well. A rabbit grabs the ball in his mouth and drops it in the pond, where a fish takes the ball in his mouth and swims toward the green. Just then, an owl swoops down out of the sky to take the ball from the fish. He flies over the cup and drops the ball in the hole for a miraculous hole-in-one.
Jesus turns to the guy and says 'Nice shot, Dad'.
It's a beautiful, sunny day at the Country Club when this gorgeous blonde woman tees off on the first hole.
A couple of hours later she comes into the pro shop, yelling and screaming 'I've been stung by a wasp while out on the course'.
Stunned, the professional asks the young lady, 'Where did he sting you'.
'Right here', the woman replies as she points to her crotch.
'Well, I told you your stance was too wide,' replies the pro.
A priest went golfing with a nun as his caddie. He is on the 3rd hole and he's 4 inches from the hole, but he missed.
He mumbles, 'Fucking shit I missed'.
The nun gasps and says, 'Watch your language'.
The priest goes to the 4th hole, he's 3 inches, but he missed.
He said, 'Fucking shit I missed'.
The nun gasps and says, ' The Lord will get you if you aren't careful'.
The priest goes to the 5th hole and is 2 inches from the hole, but missed.
He screams, ' FUCKING SHIT I MISSED'.
Then a big bolt of lightning comes down and nearly hits the priest.
Then a big voice comes from Heaven that says, 'Fucking shit I missed'.
God and St. Peter were playing golf one day. St. Peter teed his ball up and hit it. It was a real nice shot about three hundred yards down the fairway.
Then God teed his ball up. He took a big swing and hit it. At first it looked like a real nice shot. Then all of a sudden, it hooked and started for the woods. Just before it went into the woods, a bird flew out and grabbed the ball and flew over the water trap and let it go. Just before it went into the water, a turtle surfaced. The ball landed on its back as he swam to the shore. Just as the turtle got to the shore, a squirrel ran out of the woods and grabbed the ball. Then the squirrel ran up on the green and dropped the ball in the cup.
St. Peter turned to God and said, 'Are we gonna play golf, or are you gonna Fuck around'.
There is this avid golfer and unfortunately (for him) he dies and goes to heaven. St. Peter meets him at the pearly gates and they go for a wander around, St. Peter showing him the sights.
The guy looks around at the sights that they see but can't wait until they get the golf courses.
As they wander around the golf courses the guy's eyes nearly pop out of his head. There lying in front of him are the best courses he has ever seen in his life. Long courses, short courses, water courses, desert courses even a course made up of islands.
As this guy is an avid golfer he asks St. Peter to take him to the toughest course they have. As they start to wander around the course this guy can't believe his eyes. 500 meter par 3's. 800 meter par 4's.
They eventually wander up to the longest hole in heaven, a 1000 meter par 5 and there is a guy, with a 9 iron, on the tee, addressing the ball.
'Who does this guy think he is' whispers the guy to St. Peter, 'God or something?'
St. Peter says 'He is God, problem is he thinks he's Greg Norman.'
There is this avid golfer and he is entered into a tournament at his local golf club. He fronts up to the tourney and then discovers that his caddy has not turned up. Looking frantically around he spots this really old guy approaching him.
The old guys says to him 'Hey, I can be your caddy'.
The golfer says to him 'You must be joking, you are so old I am surprised you can even see me, much less the flight of the ball'.
The old guy looks up at him and says 'See that flag down on the first tee.'
The golfer says 'Yeah. Anybody can see that'.
The old guy says 'Can you see the moth sitting on top of the flag?'
The golfer looks surprised, pulls outs his binoculars and takes a look. There, sitting of the top of the flag is a moth. 'You're hired' he says.
The get most of the way through the round when the golfer hits a horrible slice off the tee and ball goes sailing into the trees and scrub on the left side of the fairway.
'Hey old timer' says the golfer, 'did you follow that one'.
'Sure thing' says the old man.
'Well, where did it go?' asks the golfer.
The old bloke looks down the fairway, looks back at the bloke, looks down the fairway, looks at the bloke and says 'I can't remember'.