Marriage is a 3 ring affair 1st comes the engagement ring, then the wedding ring, then the suffering.
Marriage is a thing which puts a ring on a woman's finger and 2 rings under the man's eyes.
Marriage is Love. Love is blind. Therefore marriage is an institution for the blind.
Man is incomplete until he is married. Then he is really finished.
There was this man who muttered a few words in the Church and found himself married. A year later he muttered a few words in his sleep and found himself divorced.
On Husbands and Wives
It's easy to tell if a man is married or not. Just watch him drive a car with a woman sitting beside him. If both hands are on the wheel, you can bet he is married.
2 friends met at the bar and one asked the other 'Do you ever speak tour wife when making love?' His friend replied 'Only if she phones'.
'Honey,' said the husband, 'You really should do a little more dusting. I've just discovered a cobweb on your bed and thrown it into the fire.' 'You dumb head,' said the wife, 'that was my new nightie.'
The husband came home early to find his wife is in bed, the curtains drawn and the bed in disorder. In the wardrobe he found a jacket hanging with a man crouched below. 'Who are you?' he asked. 'I'm the gas man and I've come to check the meter.' Under the bed he found another man. 'I'm the electrician and came to repair the cables.' He drew the curtains and discovered a man perched on the ledge 'I'm waiting for the bus,' he said.
'How did you get that black eye, Suzie?' 'Well, my husband came out of jail on his birthday.' 'So?' 'Well, I wished him many happy returns.'
When a bachelor marries, his wife has 3 qualities - she is an economist in the kitchen, an aristocrat in the living room and a devil in bed. After a few years, sure enough the 3 qualities remain, but not in the same order - she is an aristocrat in the kitchen, a devil in the living room and an economist in bed.
On their wedding day, the groom said to the bride, 'Honey, I love you so much I would walk through fire and water for you.' The bride replied, 'Make it fire. I would rather have you hot than wet.'
On the 1st night of their marriage, the groom told the bride 'Darling, love is blind.' 'Yes dear,' replied the bride, 'but the neighbours are not, so please close the windows.'
It has been noted that a lot of men lose their voice on their wedding day.
Soon after the late night news on TV, the groom asked the bride, 'Honey, what do you think of the Middle East position?' Said the bride, 'I don't know. I've not tried it.'
On Young Love
The girl asked over, 'Darling, if we get engaged will you give me a ring?' 'Sure,' replied her lover 'What's your phone no.?'
Every man should have a hobby - but make sure your wife doesn't know about her.
Men are impatient. They always like woman to do things in a hurry -dress and undress.
On Doctors and Patients
The young woman entered the office of the psychiatrist who welcomed her and gestured towards the couch. 'Do you mind if I stand,' she asked, 'I've just returned from my honeymoon.'
The doctor is the only man who can tell a woman to take off her clothes and send the bill to her husband.
Patient : How about. a kiss, nurse.
Nurse : No
Patient : Please, nurse.
Nurse : Definitely not.
Patient : Come on, nurse.
Nurse : No, no, no. In fact, I'm not suppose to be in bed with you.
The doctor was surprised to find his nurse holding a male patient by both wrists. The doctor said 'U don't have to do that to check his pulse.' The cute nurse replied, 'I'm checking his pulse while checking his impulse.'
On Lawyers and Judges
The absent minded judge went to the dentist and said, 'Do you swear to pull the tooth, the whole tooth and nothing but the tooth?'
A drunkard was brought to court. Just before the trial there was a commotion in the gallery. The judge pounded the gavel on his table and shouted, 'Order, order.' The drunkard immediately responded, 'Thank u, your honour, I'll have a scotch and soda.'
During the courtesy campaign, the accused decided to practise politeness in the court room. On approaching the judge he said, 'Good morning, your honour, how are you feeling today?' The judge replied, 'Fine -$100/-'
Accused : Your honour, I assure you I wasn't drunk. I was only drinking.
Judge : Well, in that case I'll not give you one month jail. I'll give you only 30 days.
At a bank meeting the president, heated by the discussion, gets up and starts pacing up and down. The secretary notices that his flies are open, so she whispers to him, 'Mr President, the garage is open, everything is open, everything can be seen.' 'Ah yes and what can you see? My new Mercedes?' 'No, a Suzuki with flat tires.'
What is the difference between a good secretary and an excellent one? A good secretary says, 'Good morning, sir.' and an excellent secretary says, 'It's morning, sir.'
1st Secretary : Our boss dresses so well.
2nd Secretary : Yes and very fast too.