THE PERKS OF BEING OVER 50
Kidnappers are not very interested in you.
In a hostage situation you are likely to be released first.
No one expects you to run - anywhere.
People call at 9 PM and ask, 'Did I wake you?'
People no longer view you as a hypochondriac.
There is nothing left to learn the hard way.
Things you buy now won't wear out.
You can eat dinner at 4 P.M.
You can live without sex but not without glasses.
You enjoy hearing about other peoples operations.
You get into heated arguments about pension plans.
You have a party and the neighbours don't even realize it.
You no longer think of speed limits as a challenge.
You quit trying to hold your stomach in, no matter who walks into the room.
You sing along with elevator music.
Your eyes won't get much worse.
Your investment in health insurance is finally beginning to pay off.
Your joints are more accurate meteorologists than the national weather service.
Your secrets are safe with your friends because they can't remember them either.
Your supply of brain cells is finally down to manageable size.
You can't remember who sent you this list.
GAMES FOR WHEN WE ARE OLDER
Sag, You're it.
Pin the Toupee on the bald guy.
20 questions shouted into your good ear.
Kick the bucket.
Red Rover, Red Rover, the nurse says Bend Over.
Doc Doc Goose.
Simon says something incoherent.
Hide and go pee.
Spin the Bottle of Mylanta.
SIGNS OF MENOPAUSE
You sell your home heating system at a yard sale.
Your husband jokes that instead of buying a wood stove, he is using you to heat the family room this winter. Rather than just saying you are not amused, you shoot him.
You have to write post-it notes with your kids names on them.
The Phenobarbital dose that wiped out the Heaven's Gate Cult gives you four hours of decent rest.
You change your underwear after every sneeze.
You're on so much oestrogen that you take your Brownie troop on a field trip to Chippendale's.
SIGNS OF WEAR
Old is when ... Your sweetie says, 'Let's go upstairs and make love,' and you answer, 'Pick one, I can't do both!'
Old is when ... Your friends compliment you on your new alligator shoes and you're barefoot.
Old is when ... A sexy babe catches your fancy and your pacemaker opens the garage door.
Old is when ... Going bra-less pulls all the wrinkles out of your face.
Old is when ... You don't care where your sweetie goes, just as long as you don't have to go along.
Old is when ... You are cautioned to slow down by the doctor instead of by the police.
Old is when ... 'Getting a little action' means I don't need to take any fiber today.
Old is when ... 'Getting lucky' means you find your car in the parking lot.
Old is when ... An 'all-nighter' means not getting up to pee