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Waste some time
Have a donut and some coffee
While you are supposed to be working

Suggestion Rejection

STRAIGHT out of the Family Circle editor's waste-basket, this is a short list of Top-Tips and Handy-Hints that never made it to the presses. Thank God.
HELP the local police by popping in to the mortuary each day to see if you can identify any of the bodies.
J. Lewis, Mailand, NSW

NEVER do your shoelaces up in a revolving door.
Mr M. Adeye ,Churchill, QLD

HELP blind people in the post office by licking their stamps for them, or teach their dogs to do so.
J. Lewis, Mailand, NSW

HANG Brussel Sprouts on the end of a piece of string. Hey Presto! Edible Christmas decorations for the kids.
Mrs I. Jones, Holmwiew, QLD

GOLFERS! Empty egg boxes make ideal containers for your golf balls. Except that they're a little bit too small.
A. Simmons, Cheltenham, NSW

USING string, nails and pulleys, it is possible to turn on the taps in the bathroom from your living room.
E. Barnpot, Manning, WA

A CORK dangling from the end of a long stick can be used to chase flies harmlessly out the window.
Mrs Doris Peterson, Aroona, QLD

WHEN searching under the table for a hatpin, I always wear my husband's motorcycle helmet as I invariably bump my head when getting up again.
Mrs. N. Coquet, Beenleigh, QLD

DON'T invite drug addicts round for a meal on Boxing Day. They may find the offer of 'cold turkey' embarrassing or offensive.
Steven Howlett, Bagdad, TAS

SILENCE your windy bottom by pulling apart you buttocks before you break-wind. Hey Presto! No embarrassing 'fart' noise.
S. Priestly, Parsons Bridge, QLD

FOOL other drivers into thinking you have an expensive car phone by holding your TV or video remote control up to your ear and mounting the curb occasionally.
Mike Penny, Gympie, QLD

AVOID soiling your trousers by not pulling apart your buttocks when you think you are about to break-wind.
S. Priestly, Parsons Bridge, QLD

CONVINCE friends that you have become a member of the Socialist Workers' party by standing on street corners and ranting away on subjects about which you know nothing, and never washing.
Karl Lyall, Woolloomooloo, NSW

SAVE time when playing darts by attaching a length of string to each dart. After throwing, a sharp tug on the string will return the darts to you.
Patrick Matthews, Macquarie, ACT

SAVE petrol by pushing your car to your destination. Invariably, passers by will think you have broken down and help push.
S. Pate, Oxley, ACT

When it's your round, carry all the drinks back by covering them with cling film and putting them in your pockets.
D. Porter, Rokeby, VIC

OFFICE managers, encourage primeval 'hunter-gatherer' instincts among staff by hiding nuts and berries about your office to enable them to forage for food at lunch time.
R. Villa, Argentina

KEEP the seat next to you on the train vacant by smiling and nodding at people as they walk up the aisle.
Dave Parsnip, Strathfield, NSW

SAVE money on doorbell batteries by removing them and going to the door every two minutes to see if anyone is there.
S. Shepherd, Ponsonby, NZ

Fumes from burning settees can be lethal, so before sitting down always look around and plan your escape route in the event of a fire.
D. Purnell, Tuross Head, NSW

A FEW drops of ordinary car engine oil mixed with your maple syrup helps it flow more smoothly from the tin.
Dave Moore, Highgate, WA

AVOID cutting yourself while clumsily slicing vegetables by getting someone else to hold them while you chop away.
I. J. Alexander, Gosford, NSW

SAVE electricity. Turn all your lights out and walk around the house wearing a miner's hat.
D. Purvis, Masterton, NZ

WHEN a program you dislike comes on TV simply turn down the volume and close your eyes until it is finished.
J Drallop, Daymar, QLD

'FAST FOOD' restaurants. Don't waste valuable milk powder making 'milk shakes'. Chicken fat is much cheaper, and just as delicious once the sugar is added.
A. Warnington, Hyde Park, SA

AVOID laziness by screwing your TV remote control to a piece of furniture at least ten feet from your chair.
Hapag Lloyd, Murray Town, SA

RECORD the sound of your wife having an orgasm, then listen to the tape through headphones the next time you make love. That way you can have sex without waking her up.
Frank Wilson, Chittering, WA

CAN'T afford contact lenses? Simply cut out small circles of cling wrap and press them into your eyes.
D. Stokes, Bentleigh East, VIC

SAVE money on expensive personalised car number plates by simply changing your name to match your existing plate.
Mr KVL 741, Jesmond, NSW
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